


Forgive Me

by The_Jade_Goblin



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Maybe a happy ending?, Saphael, because im broken over the finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-12
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-06-01 20:13:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6534763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Jade_Goblin/pseuds/The_Jade_Goblin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon’s hands trembled as he wrapped his arms around himself as though he were cold, shuffling nervously on his feet just beyond the Hotel Dumort. Raphael would kill him on sight. He told him to never return. But Simon couldn’t stay away. Raphael never wanted to see him again, and if he did, he was dead…er. </p><p>Simon sighed, trying not to cry. How did things end up this way? How did this happen?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Simon’s hands trembled as he wrapped his arms around himself as though he were cold, shuffling nervously on his feet just beyond the Hotel Dumort. He glanced up at the blacked-out windows, shifting side to side on the balls of his feet, struggling to breathe evenly. He hadn’t been back to the Hotel after nearly being killed by Raphael. Simon closed his eyes. Raphael would kill him on sight. He told him to never return. But Simon couldn’t stay away. He just couldn’t leave him. He’d missed him, hadn’t realised how much until he was gone, hiding out in the Institute with Clary. But he wasn’t welcome among the vampires anymore. Raphael never wanted to see him again, and if he did, he was dead…er. Simon sighed, trying not to cry. How did things end up this way? How did this happen?_

**_Two days previously…_ **

Simon stared down at the contact in his phone, thumb hovering hesitantly over the call button. Clary and the others slept soundly down the hall, and Simon sat on his borrowed bed – Clary had given Simon Jace’s room for the time being – and stared down at his phone like he had been for twenty minutes now. He wanted so badly to call. To hear Raphael’s voice. To know he was still there, still real, and this life of his wasn’t some crazy delusion he was having. Here in the Institute, where he’d been ever since they woke up Jocelyn a week ago, he wasn’t Simon. He was a vampire. A Downworlder. Simon felt almost proud to be a vampire in the Hotel Dumort, surrounded by others like him, and being with Raphael who was the proudest and strongest vampire in New York (as far as Simon was concerned). Raphael made him feel like a person, like there was nothing wrong with his nature. Here, the Lightwood’s parents looked down their noses at him, here Alec would roll his eyes when he started talking and walk away, where Izzy would humour him good-naturedly, but get lost in the conversation, and with Clary who was too busy with her mother and thoughts of finding Jace to be a good companion to anyone.  

He missed the quiet of the Hotel. He missed Raphael. Missed his quiet chuckle and his wicked smirk, missed the way he’d shake his head at anything Simon said, but with a smile on his lips. He missed watching him read by the fireplace, or changing outfits endlessly before meetings. He missed the feel of his hand, protective on his back whenever Simon felt threatened, his shoulder against his when they were close enough to touch, missed being able to grab Raphael by the arm and drag him out of his chair, leaning close to whisper to him and convince him to help with whatever crazy scheme the Shadowhunters had cooked up this time. He missed the way Raphael would sigh and roll his eyes, and agree. He missed Raphael muttering in Spanish, softly as if to avoid anyone hearing him. He just missed Raphael. If anyone had told Simon that one day he’d feel this way about a vampire who kidnapped him, Simon would have thought they were crazy. And yet here he was.

Almost by mistake, his thumb slipped and pressed call. Unable to breathe, Simon pressed the phone to his ear, hoping beyond hope that Raphael would answer. What he got was a deep sigh.

“If you think I’m answering this phone-call you’ve got another thing coming,” Raphael muttered.

“Technically, you already did.” Simon couldn’t help but say.

“I’m hanging up.”

“No Raphael wait!” Simon cried.

He glanced up, realising it was night and he was shouting. He heard Raphael breathe another sigh on the other end, but he didn’t hang up. Simon took his chance, and swallowed thickly.

“…I’m sorry…” he whispered.

“If you were sorry, you wouldn’t have done it.” Raphael said flatly. “You betrayed me Simon, I have nothing to say to you.”

“I didn’t want to, please Raphael I didn’t…” Simon blinked, trying to stop tears from flowing. “You know why, I had to. I had to help Jocelyn, you weren’t going to help us.”

“So you thought freeing Camille was better?” Raphael snapped. “Simon you don’t know how dangerous she is! You let loose a demon! Do you honestly think that if Camille wasn’t a threat, I wouldn’t have helped you? I did what I could, and you went behind my back to break my orders and the alliance.”

“I…I had to do anything to help…” Simon said weakly.

“You didn’t _have_ to do anything. You _chose_. You chose to do it because of your love for that redhead Shadowhunter, and in doing so you hose to be one of them.”

“No it’s not like that!” Simon gasped. “I don’t love –”

“Don’t you dare lie to me Simon Lewis, just admit you did what you did for her!”

“I did it for Clary, but not because I love her! She’s my best friend! Raphael, she’s been my best friend since we were children, and I was her only hope. I had to help…”

Raphael sighed deeply. “I know she is.” He murmured. “I know you wanted to help. But Simon…”

“I betrayed you. Betrayed your trust.” Simon closed his eyes. “I know…I’m sorry.”

“You’ve no idea the consequences of your actions Simon,” Raphael said. “I’ll be lucky I’m still alive by the end of the week.”

“What do you mean?”

“You think Camille is going to just let me walk free after I turned on her and locked her in the basement?” Raphael scoffed. “I’m a dead man walking, and Camille is crafty. It’s only a matter of time before she comes to kill me and let me tell you, that woman has been alive long enough to know the perfect ways to torture people. So if I end up dead it’s all your damn fault and you can beat your stupid ass I’m haunting you for the rest of your miserable existence!”

Simon had to put down the phone, screwing his eyes shut tightly, not wanting to think about how much the thought of Raphael dying actually hurt him. He hesitantly brought the phone to his ear again, where Raphael was still raging on.

“Don’t talk about dying…” he murmured over Raphael’s rage. “I couldn’t stand that happening to you…”

Raphael quietened. He didn’t seem to know what to say.

“I’ve hurt you.” Simon sighed. “I know that. I’m so sorry Raph…”

“I’m not hurt,” Raphael denied gruffly. “I couldn’t care less whether you chose a damn Shahdowhunter over your own people.”

“They’re not my people –”

“You’re a vampire Simon!” Raphael shouted. “ _We_ are your people! You are one of _us_! Not them!”

“Raph there’s no ‘we’ or ‘them’,” Simon protested.

“You’re young and naïve. I was there when the Circle tried to kill us all, I remember our people scurrying into the Downworld, desperate to hide, desperate to fight back. Even before that, Shadowhunters have never looked on us with anything but disdain. And now it’s all the same, they are the enemy, they hate us and they fear us, they’ll never accept us as equal and every Downworlder knows that.”

Simon couldn’t argue with that, Raphael knew far more than he did about that prejudice.

“The Shadowhunters you hang out with seem like decent people, but that’s as far as their decency goes. They’ll never look at you as an equal, they’ll never see you as a person. You belonged with us. But you chose them Simon, and now you’re dead to us. You’re dead to me.”

“Raphael…” it broke his heart to hear those words. He bit down on his hand to stop himself from crying.

“You want to choose the Shadowhunters than you can be treated like one. You’re not welcome among our kind anymore, you’re not a vampire. Not a Shadowhunter, and not mundane. You belong nowhere.”

“No one ever likes me anyway,” Simon muttered back bitterly. “It won’t make much of a difference whether I’m welcome or not there or at the Institute.”

“The others distrusted you, it’s wasn’t dislike. They were jealous.” Raphael said.

Simon scoffed. “Why would they be jealous of me?”

“Because I liked you.” Raphael murmured.

Simon froze. Raphael…liked him? _Like_ liked him…? Or…? Then he realised what he’d said, and his heart sank.

“ _Liked_ …?”

Raphael snorted. “After you betrayed me, what do you expect?”

“I needed to make Camille help Clary!” Simon snapped, finally getting defensive. “Jocelyn’s like a second mom to me, I had to wake her up and I had to free Camille for that! If you had have trusted me –”

“I was trying to protect you _idiota_!” Raphael yelled. “You have no idea what she is capable of! I didn’t want her to hurt you…” Raphael’s voice faltered, and broke before trailing away.

Was he…crying?

“I could have let you die Simon, when Camille killed you, I could have left you there but I didn’t. I could have left you to run off on your own when you turned, but I didn’t. I’m not the most patient person but I took care of you as much as I could and I helped you when you asked me to. I thought…I thought we at least had some kind of agreement…I trusted you. But you didn’t trust me.”

Oh God please don’t let him be crying. He couldn’t handle his tears, no.

“We do, we _did_. And I do!” Simon stammered. “Trust you that is. Raphael I never wanted this…I didn’t meant for any of this I swear…”

“See, the thing is I believe you,” Raphael said. “But nothing changes.”

“Of course not,” Simon agreed dejectedly. “And now you want me dead…”

Simon heard a soft curse in Spanish. “I don’t want you _dead_ _pequeño._ I just…I was so angry…I couldn’t think…but I never would have _killed_ you…I would have probably beaten the daylights out of you though,”

Simon gave a weak chuckle. “I deserve it.”

“Finally we agree on something.” Raphael sounded vaguely amused.

There was silence then. Simon sighed, thinking how this had happened. The decision seemed obvious at the time, but even then he had struggled with going against Raphael’s orders.

“You know, Raphael…” Simon said softly. “Clary was everything to me…I thought, you know at one point, I’d finally found The One, you know? True love I guess. I thought I’d found that in her, and that if I tried hard enough she’d see it too. I would have done anything. But then everything changed. This guy came along…and he changed everything. I’d never met anyone like him before…he’s a bit of a jerk at first, and I annoyed him so much, but there are times when he can be the most caring person in the world. When he doesn’t have to be the leader, tough and cold and unfeeling, he can just… _be_.”

Simone thought of all the unguarded moments, all the small moments and the close moments he’d shared with Raphael hat no one else had. When Raphael helped him with his hair for the wedding, and helped him pick out one of his suits to wear. When Raphael would murmur in Spanish, teaching Simon simple things if he asked, smiling when he got a word right. He thought of Raphael teaching him how to eat mundane food without being sick, how to wear the Star of David safely, and always making him stop when it burned him too much. Simon didn’t even try to stop himself crying this time, he let the tears roll down his cheeks as he hiccupped, breathing unevenly as he continued through his sniffles. He missed Raphael so much.

“I realised there was so much more to him than what the world saw. They looked at him and saw a monster, I looked at him and saw an angel. He saved me…so many times, and I never really thanked him, I just kept disappointing him. Then I had to betray him and his trust to help a friend, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done…and I regret it so much…I know I’ll never forgive myself and I’ll never stop being sorry…and I know he won’t forgive me, and that he hates me…but he’s everything to me…I don’t want to lose him…”

Simon couldn’t be sure, over his quiet crying, but he could swear Raphael was shedding tears of his own.

“Raphael I need you.” Simon whispered brokenly.

“Simon…” Raphael’s voice seemed lost, confused, but most of all, lonely.

Simon held his breath, waiting. Anxiously, he gnawed at his bottom lip.

“ _Lo siento,”_ Raphael murmured. “Lose my number. And don’t ever come back to the Hotel.”

“Raphael please! I – I _love_ you…”

Simon heard Raphael hiss before he hung up. He should have known it would turn out like this. He really hoped Clary wouldn’t hear him crying all night, before he slumped down to the basement to get into his casket before the sun rose. Raphael hated him. He’d never see him again.

It was over

…

…

…

_Or was it?_

_TBC…_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry if raphael is a little ooc in this chapter, i feel like i didn't do his character justice at all in this fic

Simon’s hands trembled as he wrapped his arms around himself as though he were cold, shuffling nervously on his feet just beyond the Hotel Dumort. He glanced up at the blacked-out windows, shifting side to side on the balls of his feet, struggling to breathe evenly. He hadn’t been back to the Hotel after nearly being killed by Raphael. Simon closed his eyes. Raphael would kill him on sight. He told him to never return. But Simon couldn’t stay away. He just couldn’t leave him. He’d missed him, hadn’t realised how much until he was gone, hiding out in the Institute with Clary. But he wasn’t welcome among the vampires anymore. Raphael never wanted to see him again, and if he did, he was dead…er. Simon sighed, trying not to cry. How did things end up this way? How did this happen?

“I thought I told you _not_ to come back,”

Simon lowered his head as he heard Raphael’s sharp voice, squeezing his eyes shut.

“You did.” he muttered.

“And yet again you ignore me,” Raphael snapped. “What are you doing here Simon?”

“I…” Simon’s throat closed. “I just…” he swallowed thickly. “I needed to see you…”

Because his eyes were shut, he didn’t see the way Raphael’s face softened, or the way he looked as he forced himself not to cry or hug him or do something else stupid.

“Are you going to kill me?” Simon asked quietly.

“ _Idiota_ ,” Raphael whispered. “Of course not.”

Simon opened his eyes, and looked up at Raphael.

“I told you before, I would never kill you. I don’t want you dead. But it’s not safe here,”

“I know, the others –”

“I’m less concerned about the others and more about Camille.”

Simon blinked. “Camille?”

“She’s your sire Simon, she can control you, I think you noticed that already. She can make you do anything, and coming back here is just inviting her to take you again. You should have stayed in the Institute where you’re safe.”

“I couldn’t stay there anymore.” Simon mumbled. “I needed to see you,”

Raphael sighed. “ _Ven,”_ he said turning around.

Simon knew enough Spanish by now that he knew Raphael wanted him to come with him. He hurried to follow Raphael.

“Where are we going?”

“We can’t talk here, it’s too dangerous, for us both at the moment. We’re going to my place,” Raphael answered.

“ _Your_ place? We’re going to your place?” Simon’s eyes bugged out of his head. “Where is it?”

“A while away from here, but we’ll make good time if we run. Think you can keep up?” Raphael shot him a mischievous grin and Simon could almost believe there was nothing wrong between them.

Simon grinned back. “I bet I can beat you even,”

“Yeah? You’re on Lewis.” Raphael took off without a moment’s notice, his vampiric speed turning him into a blur against the night.

Simon ran to catch up, though it was difficult to keep pace with the older vampire. Raphael had been at this far longer than him, and Simon didn’t know the way. But it was the most fun Simon had had in a while, racing Raphael through the night streets, zipping through alleys and scaling walls, taking sudden shortcuts through parks only to find Raphael had turned another direction. It was inevitable that Raphael would win, but Simon was okay with that.

“I should have bet something,” Raphael said to himself as he came to a stop. “Come on Simon, we’re here.”

Simon followed him instantly. “Sure you’re not going to kill me here in private? Where no one can hear me scream?”

Raphael smirked. “Not that you don’t deserve it _pequeño,_ but if I wanted to kill you you’d be dead. _”_

“Good thing I trust you,” Simon murmured.

“Or a bad thing, should I change my mind,” Raphael shrugged. Simon only smiled.

He followed him down into an elevator to and underground penthouse that looked a lot like Camille’s, only with less books. It looked very…modern, in fact. Not something Simon expected.

“You know for a vampire lair, I pictured more…I dunno…scary looking stuff, like the Hotel.” Simon commented, looking around.

“You watch too many movies Simon,” Raphael shook his head.

“Well you don’t watch enough,” Simon quipped.

Raphael rolled his eyes. They lapsed into a moment’s silence before Simon grew brave enough to approach Raphael, stopping within inches away from him.

“Raphael, I…”

Raphael almost immediately shushed him by pressing his lips to his. Simon wasted no time in kissing back, letting the other vampire tug at his shirt to bring him closer.

“Literally never stops talking,” Raphael murmured as he pulled away.

“Alec said that,” Simon gave a shy grin, looking down at his feet. “I guess I can get pretty annoying.”

“Annoying? Yes. I’d say that’s an understatement.” Raphael replied.

Simon glanced up at him again, nervously. “I’m sorry…about everything…”

Raphael sighed, and stepped away from Simon, turning to go deeper into his home. Simon followed.

“I’ve been thinking about you, since you left.” Raphael said as he walked. “And about what you said the other night over the phone. And I am still royally pissed at you, I…think I can understand.”

“You can?” Simon blinked.

“You don’t know me. You’ve known Clary all your life. I expect a certain level of loyalty from the vampires under my command, but when have you ever fallen under that category? You haven’t listened to me since the day we met, I shouldn’t expect that to change. You wanted to help her, and in doing that were faced with a difficult decision. It takes courage to go against me in particular, but you’ve always done that, I should expect no less from you Simon.”

Raphael turned and stopped walking, causing Simon to almost run into him.

“I’m told you signed a statement for Camille saying you asked to be turned,”

Simon nodded. “She wouldn’t help Clary otherwise.”

“You realise you can’t get justice now?”

“I don’t mind. It’s not going to make me stop being a vampire, and it helped wake up Jocelyn.” Simon said. “What will she do to you Raph?”

“We’ll soon find out I suppose. I await her arrival,” Raphael murmured. “Don’t worry about me.”

“That’s not going to make me stop worrying. If something happens to you…I can’t…lose you…” Simon looked away, embarrassed, and upset by his own train of thought.

“ _Mi cielo_ _…”_ Raphael breathed, eyes full of emotions Simon couldn’t quite place.

Simon blinked away tears before they could fall, breath catching at the tone of Raphael’s voice. He didn’t know what to say or do now, and Raphael was standing too close to be able to think straight.

“I’m sorry Raphael…I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, and there’s probably nothing I can do to make up for it…”

“You could start by listening to what I say for once,” Raphael said. “I want you to live here for now,”

“Live…here?” Simon’s eyes widened.

“I don’t trust those Shadowhunters. Friends or yours or not they’re surrounded by unfriendly Nephilim. I don’t want you near them. It’s too dangerous to return to the Hotel I don’t know Camille catching your scent and finding you. Camille doesn’t know where I live, and I don’t come here that often. You’re safe here. So here is the best place for you to stay.”

Simon’s eyes filled with tears. “After everything I’ve done…you want me to be safe…”

“I only want you to be safe. Why do you think I do half the things I do _idiota_?” Raphael half-grinned, and Simon was sure that if his heart could beat, it would be racing right now. He let out a grin of his own.

“Simon, did you mean what you said the other night?” Raphael asked quietly.

 “Every word.” He replied.

Raphael tilted his head to one side, and frowned, looking confused.

“…I’m no angel. The world is right.”

“Not to me.” Simon smiled easily. “You saved me. I owe you everything.”

“And if I said you _were_ everything?”

Simon smiled, and took a leap of faith, leaning forward to kiss Raphael. His momentary fears were unfounded as Raphael kissed back.

There were no more words that night, save for the soft murmuring of names upon bruised lips. Simon was sure he’d find bruises the next day from all the pushing against walls and neck biting. But he didn’t let himself think about what was going to happen next, he let himself get lost in the moment, thinking of nothing but the feel of Raphael under his fingers, the taste of him on his lips, the half-whispered Spanish in his ear. Besides, Simon wouldn’t be the only one coming out of tonight with battle scars. Raphael was certain to have scratches down his back and not one, or two, but three vampiric bites down his neck. Right then it was just the two of them, no need to worry of the troubles of the future, near or far, no need to think of the lingering troubles between them, no need to think any weighty thoughts. And how could Simon think at all when he had Raphael’s lips pressed against his neck and his fingers running down his spine?

“By the way,” Raphael murmured, nuzzling Simon’s cheek for a moment as the younger boy cuddled up to him, searching for a comfortable position on the couch the two had ended up sprawling on.

_“Mi cielo?”_

“Mm?” Simon mumbled sleepily.

Raphael chuckled at the dreamy look on the sleepy vampire’s face. “I love you too.”

At first he wasn’t sure Simon had heard him, but soon the boy arms were wrapped securely around his neck as he beamed up at him, pulling him down for another kiss, and Raphael rolled over him to respond, once again not letting himself think of what was to come.

For now, for tonight, it was just them. Just Simon and Raphael. Two messed up vampires in love.

Magnus was going to have a field day when he heard about this.


End file.
